What’s it like to be queer, polyamorous and under 30 in today’s world?

2011 marks the 50th anniversary of the publishing of Stranger In A Strange Land, one of the first popular, American novel containing a consensual non-monogamous subplot. Forty-one years ago the Stonewall Uprising ignited the gay liberation movement. And 29 years ago, IBM would release the world’s first PC…

So what’s today’s world like for queer, poly folk born in and after 1981?

Join sex and relationship expert Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com as he moderates and interviews a discussion panel filled with just that: The queer, the poly, and the under 30!

Date: Thursday, August, 19th, 2010
Time: 7-9pm Pacific
Where: San Francisco’s Center for Sex and Culture, 1519 Mission Street @ 11th and S. Van Ness
San Francisco CA 94103 • MAP HERE
Cost: $10 suggested donation. No one turned away for lack of funds!

All ages, orientations and relationship self-expressions welcome!

Our Panelists…

ABOUT JIZ: Poly in porn — with lovers on-screen and off — Jiz Lee is a celebrated genderqueer porn star who openly identifies as poly and has navigated sexual performances with partners and friends.

Jiz often writes about being poly on their blog at jizlee.com, framing the identity within a sex-positive queer culture.

Follow Jiz on Twitter.

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ABOUT SARA: Sara Vibes was born and raised in New York City. She is a black, polyamorous, queer, kinky, Bi-dyke and an adopted daughter of a sex therapist who had specialized in sex and disability and was disabled herself.  Sara knew she was poly when she remembered that her Ken doll dated all the Barbies!  Sara is an active member in BDSM, LGBT, and Kink communities in New York City.

She is a founding member of Nina Hartley’s SexWise.me, a sex-positive online community.  She currently works as a curator and contributor of SexWise Magazine and a moderator of the online forums.  Sara has been interviewed by Nerve magazine and will soon be writing for Zora and Alice, an online magazine for young women of color.

Follow Sara on Twitter.

ABOUT ALLIE: Sapphic savant and former “mayor” of Camp Beaverton for Wayward Girls, Burning Man’s home for queer women, Allie has been doling out sex tips for years.

Certified by the Ohio Board of Health in STD and HIV prevention, Allie also works for the LA Gay & Lesbian Center, and writes sex advice for a number of publications as well as throwing the occasional Girl-Sex 101 workshop. A dynamic and down-to-Earth speaker, she’s a pro at helping novices earn their stripes.

Allie is finishing her first novel (one in a series) about a pack of college-age, lesbian werewolves. You can follow Allie’s literary exploits and musings on neo-gender feminism and furry, paranormal things at www.talesofthepack.com.

Follow Allie on Twitter.

ABOUT KATIE: Katie “Megaphone” Diamond, originator of the queer, feminist sex magazine SALACIOUS, is a radical queer comic artist and graphic designer living in Portland, Maine. She strongly believes in the direct cross-over of art and politics, and uses this dogma in her every-day art practice. She’s done many illustrations and cartoons about gender, sexuality, and sex education. She’s also designed many pamphlets, flyers, and posters for various local organizations.

Throughout Greater Portland, Diamond is organizing and implementing exciting local events. She’s the organizing force behind the Portland Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School, and has been a co-producer of the Portland Femme Show for the past two years.

Diamond graduated from the Maine College of Art with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Illustration. At MECA, she obtained the nickname of “Megaphone” because of her intense involvement in the communities of the school, and Greater Portland. Using illustration as her springboard, Diamond has organized a Voting Education and Registration Drive; put into action a huge Sex Education collaborative project; taught art classes to disadvantaged youth; painted a mural with elementary and high school students at their school; and designed posters and pamphlets for local non-profits.

Stylistically, she has been heavily influenced by cartoonist Alison Bechdel; comic artist Adrian Tomine; cartoonist Roberta Gregory; comic art historian Trina Robbins; and the late printmaker Kathe Kollwitz. Politically, Diamond looks to Kathe Kollwitz, as well as groups such as the Guerilla Girls and subRosa for inspiration as an artist-activist-advocate.

Keep an eye on the bookshelves in August, when Diamond will be published in the up-and-coming “Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation.” In a creative collaboration with queer vaudevillian cohort Johnny Blazes, Diamond’s comics move to the story-telling level to aid in telling Blazes’ story of genderqueeritude and self-discovery.

ABOUT ASHLEY: Ashley Young is a teacher, writer and artist living in New York City. She identifies as a Fem Queer Dyke and is new to polymory as well as the BDSM scene. Ashley is a huge advocate for people’s fully sexually expressed selves and aspires to be a sex educator along with her partner in the near future.  She sums up her poly lifestyle by saying, “I can’t tell the difference between a lesbian and a serial killer, so being poly with my partner has kept me level headed, drama free and allowed me to explore my sexuality with both women and men”

Follow Ashley on Twitter.

ABOUT MAYMAY: Meitar Maymay Moscovitz has been an active member of alternative sexuality communities since 2002. An outspoken, sex-positive feminist blogger, he authors several blogs on sexuality issues including the explicit photography blog MaleSubmissionArt.com that explores submissive masculinity and his personal “sex blog” at maybemaimed.com. He also co-hosts the weekly KinkOnTap.com Internet talk show discussing the interconnectedness of sexuality through politics, medical science, news and more. In 2009, he co-founded the all-ages educational KinkForAll series of sexuality unconferences in New York City that has since spread to 5 cities including Washington, DC and San Francisco. An open source programmer by day and a sexual freedom activist by night, Maymay’s passion lies in analyzing the intersection of technology and human sociosexual behavior.c

ABOUT LYDON: Lyndon Cudlitz is a poly, kinky, feminist, Jewish, disabled, working class, trans-genderqueer-femme-boy from Maine. This fishnet-wearing firefighter has an appetite for…well, everything. As a social justice activist and educator, performance artist, and sexuality educator, Lyndon brings many perspectives to his work. Check out Lyndon’s art at IncitingDefiance.ArtFire.com.

About Mickey: Mickey Mod is…

Queer, Poly, Adult Film Star and emerging filmmaker… A member of the BDSM community and avid bowler… An advocate for honest living through open communication, sexually exploration and art.

Follow Mickey Mod on Twitter.

Our Moderator…

ABOUT REID: Reid Mihalko of www.ReidAboutSex.com helps adults create more self-esteem, self-confidence and greater health in their relationships and sex lives, no matter what their self-expression of those happen to be.

From his rated-PG/PG-13 workshops (Cuddle Party, Speed-Flirting) to the rated-R (Iron Slut Sex Educator Showdown) to his explicit, NC-17 rated, Show-N-Tell sex education workshops (where audiences get to watch, take notes, and ask questions), Reid has worked with thousands of individuals from myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship styles, countries and religions. Known for his charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting and collaborating on fulfilling his mission: Create more self-esteem, self-confidence and health adults in and out of the bedroom.

Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of conferences on relationships and sexuality and is a sought-after presenter and teacher at colleges and sex positive stores across the country.

Reid has been a writer and producer on a number of films and television projects about sex and relationships, and appears regularly in the media. He has also appeared on the Emmy award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single, Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in Marie Claire, GQ, Details, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Follow Reid on Twitter.

“The Intersection of Social Media, Feminism and Sexuality,” is where you’ll find Reid, of course…

SEATTLE – Sex 2.0 celebrates its third year May 22-23, 2010, in Seattle, Washington, at the Quality Inn.  For the first time, the conference is heading to the West Coast and expanding across an entire weekend, attracting local and national influencers, entrepreneurs and enthusiasts who are defining the future of sex and technology.

Sex 2.0 focuses on the intersection of social media, feminism, and sexuality.  How is social media enabling people to learn, grow, and connect sexually? How is sexual expression tied to social activism? Does the concept of transparency online offer new opportunities or present new roadblocks — or both? These questions, and many more, are addressed within a safe, welcoming, sex positive space.

Topics this year include building your sex positive presence online, using the internet to connect with people as a sex coach or educator, participatory community organizing for social and sexual freedom, the new sex educators, with panels on new media, sex work, and more.

Featuring certified sexologist and author, Veronica Monet, as the keynote speaker and a discussion leader.  Other session leaders include educator, writer, and founder of Cuddle Parties and Show-N-Tell Sex Education, Reid Mihalko of ReidAboutSex.com; executive director of the Center and Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, Allena Gabosch; rope bondage podcaster, author and activist, Graydancer; president of Love U Parties, author, sex educator and activist, Ducky Doolittle; author, high priestess, and founder of Temple of the Red Lotus, Inara de Luna; and many more.

The conference welcomes all sex positive individuals 18+, the GLBTQ, poly, kinky, sex workers, podcasters, eroticists, activists and more.  At Sex 2.0, everyone is a participant, rather than a passive attendee, joining conversations rather than listening to presentations. Respecting the confidentiality and protecting the identities of participants who wish to maintain a degree of anonymity is a top priority at Sex 2.0.

Profits will go to the Northwest chapter of the Sex Workers Outreach Project, which is dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers and their communities, focusing on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy, and to the event producer, the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture.

Advance registration is mandatory, given the relatively sensitive nature of this event. Registration is open and tickets are $50 until May 19 or tickets sell out.

The conference is being held at the Quality Inn at 618 John St., in the heart of Seattle beside the famous Space Needle and Seattle Center.  It officially runs from 9 a.m. Saturday to 4 p.m. Sunday, with parties on Friday and Sunday.

Read about the THREE TALKS Reid is leading, who else will be there, and how to register at www.sex20con.com.

Sex 2.0 is being produced and sponsored by Seattle’s Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that promotes the many ways sex is beneficial through education, outreach, the arts, advocacy, and research programs that serve the public.   For more information, please visit www.foundationforsexpositiveculture.org.

by Reid Mihalko

Romance makes things better.

It’s true. Even if you hate Hollywood romance films, heart-covered Hallmark cards, chocolate roses, and want to kick Cupid in the shin, no matter how much you hate Valentine’s Day, long walks on beaches, or eye-gazing, it’s hard to argue that the warm fuzzies we get when someone strikes our romance chords are bad.

In fact, that sweet, gooey release of the romantic “feel-goods” is great for your health, both body and mind.

You might be surprised to know, that most of what makes romance feel so darn good is chemical. I’m not talking about the chemistry of a shared bottle of Two-Buck Chuck wine. I’m referring to the release of immune system bolstering, social bond-reinforcing, stress reducing hormones.

These all-natural, body-produced hormonal cocktails are the exact same stuff that puts the “mad” into “madly in love,” and by mad I mean “crazy.” The brain-chemistry of love, by the way, has been extensively researched and continues to be. It’s fascinating stuff. And while you might hate it when your best friend falls head-over-heels for Mr. or Ms. So-and-so causing them to forget all about you, there are many health benefits from all these hormones swirling around in your body and brain. With romance, it’s much of the same chemistry, just in smaller doses. Think of it as Love Potion #9 Lite: Tastes great, less crazy making! And for those of us already in love, or in relationships that have outlasted their honeymoon periods, romance is a great way of delivering an extra (sometimes much needed) shot or two of the warm fuzzies.

Photo Illustration by Ann Cutting for Time Magazine

Romantic interludes and thoughtful acts can trigger the release of feel-good hormones which are outstanding for our physical and mental health. An intimate cuddle on the couch or a shared bit of dark chocolate after a romantic dinner can seduce the body into releasing hormones like oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and phenylethylamine (released by the brain during orgasm and also found in chocolate). These hormones lower blood pressure, improve immune system performance, and inhibit the release of stress inducing hormones while also psychologically promoting a deeper sense of trust, and feelings of being understood and appreciated. These physiological and psychological effects can be a huge help after a hard day at work trying to meet a deadline, a rough day tending to sick children, dealing with financial difficulties and economic pressures, etc., etc. Romance can leave us feeling less alone in the world, more relaxed and calm, and feeling better about ourselves. In short, a little romance can go a looooong way towards getting us through a cold winter. (Or any season for that matter!)

The trouble with tradition…

Unfortunately, for many of us, the cultural stereotypes for what is romantic and acceptable aren’t always clear nor do they always work. It seems, that even when it comes to romance, everyone is unique and what worked on your ex doesn’t always leave your current partner feeling loved and cherished. Then there’s the fact that Hollywood seems pretty stuck on romance being a guy/girl thang that has the chocolate-covered strawberries rolling in only one direction: man to woman.

What about romancing the dude? And what if you’re allergic to strawberries?

The fact that America’s romantic traditions and symbols are so very gendered and unidirectional can be a big pain in the ass. If the traditional go-tos like roses and a card don’t get you all gushy, your partner might soon run out of other ideas and give up. Worse, you or they could be thinking you’re doing “romantic” things with the most earnest of intentions, doing a great job, but continually missing the mark and leaving those you care about starving. And attempting to sweet-talk the non-traditional gender seems so laughable by our cultural standards that  women romancing men and men romancing men are the things of sit coms and Comedy Central sketches about prison.  Bubba, you made me a shiv? How romantic… While occasionally funny and usually at least a tad insensitive, the cultural message is bleak: Do not waste your time romancing men ’cause it doesn’t work.

These traditions are just a partial list, hints and clues, really. And romance, like Angelina Jolie, goes both ways.

A diamond ring is not inherently romantic, and even the most stoic of men can have a soft-spot. And while we can argue that dark chocolate might be romantic on account of the phenylethylamine, or that Dick Cheney would never be caught dead taking a long walk on the beach, the point is that almost anything can be made to be romantic and anyone can be romanced, if you know how romance occurs for the other person.

And, for the record, men are actually quite easy to romance!

Romance is actually all about cats and dogs.

In my Romance for the Rest of Us workshop, and in my personal couples and one-on-one coaching, I get the great honor of making the fine art of romance easy!

Making romance easy, surprisingly enough, has very little to do with being a man or a woman, or being single or married or straight or gay or queer or trans, for that matter. Romance, as you’re about to discover, isn’t even about chocolate or pearl necklaces or roses or cupids shooting arrows at us.

Romance, believe it or not, is all about cats and dogs. Not whether or not you own a cat or a dog, but where on the spectrum of catness-to-dogness you fall when it comes to how romance occurs to you. Romance, I posit is an orientation! Thinking of romance like it’s a Kinsey Scale of what makes us feel loved and appreciated, if you will, is the key to understanding how to make romance easy.

Romantically speaking, “cat oriented” people tend to feel warm and fuzzy when they have proof someone is thinking of them. “Dog oriented” people tend to feel gushy and sweet when they get told, “good dog!” Forethought and acknowledgment: cats and dogs. End of lesson 1.

Compared to Hollywood’s version of romance, forethought and acknowledgment seem very different from the glittery Edward in Twilight expressing his emo-vampire love for Bella by refusing to suck her veins dry. Anything emotionally torturous and/or fits of self-denial labeled as romance should be avoided at all costs because that kind of “romantic” is usually followed by the word “tragedy.”

Anything emotionally torturous and/or fits of self-denial labeled as romance should be avoided at all costs because that kind of “romantic” is usually followed by the word “tragedy.”

My approach to romance is waaaaay more fun. It might take a second to get the hang of it, but that’s only because you’re probably fighting years of bad romance habits. Making someone feel romanced is actually quite simple and its applicable to most people, though I’m not entirely sure how it works on pubescent werewolves… My guess? Romance werewolves like you would dogs and not cats. (Does that put vampires on the cat-side of the spectrum? Hmmmm…)

Romance for “cats” is anything that you can do which proves you were thinking about that person before they walked in the door. Its forethought at is most simple, and has a great chance of occurring to these cat people as being romantic. Knowing and having proof that you were thinking of them when they weren’t standing right in front of you gives them the warm fuzzies.

What is romantic for “dogs” is having their likes and dislikes validated. Being told “bad dog,” or being scolded or made to feel like the things they like are wrong or silly isn’t very romantic for a dog. Appreciation and acknowledgment are what makes a romantically oriented dog person rollover and want their belly scratched.

And who doesn’t like a good case of the warm fuzzies and a belly scratch now and then?

Once you’ve got the basic concept down, it helps to remember that the catness-to-dogness system is a continuum. You can be more cat or more dog, entirely all cat or all dog, or 50/50 cat/dog when it comes to what makes you feel romanced. There’s no right way or wrong way. And one orientation or degree of preference isn’t any better than the other. It’s just a helpful approach to figuring out what makes your loved ones feel loved.

And for you binary-hater types who want to nail me to the box of chocolates for only talking about cats and dogs, I’m sure there are more than a few people out there for whom romance occurs on a vastly different continuum. To all my brother and sister otters and parrots and Pandas and unicorns, et al: I’m not trying to exclude you. I’m just trying to keep it simple for the folks at home!

Back to cats and dogs and how we make this knowledge work to our advantage…

Make the dinner reservations now.

We’ve got a date. You picked a restaurant and called ahead and made the reservation without me having to tell you or remind you. That equals in my cat-mind: “You must have been thinking of me.” You just scored yourself some major romance points.

To cover my bases, just in case it’s a dog oriented person I’m dating, I’m going to… Acknowledge you for kicking-ass in making those dinner reservations!

Whether I have a need to acknowledge you or not, it’s still an excellent thing for me to tell you how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness and how awesome a job you’re doing in our relationship (Good dog!). For the dogs in your life, you just made them super-duper happy. Woof!

To review: what occurs as romantic to a dog is acknowledgment and validation. Anything that says, “I approve of you, your likes and life. I validate that you’re a good person. Good dog!” What occurs as romantic to a cat is anything that proves you were thinking of them before they walked into the room.

To review: what occurs as romantic to a dog is acknowledgment and validation…. What occurs as romantic to a cat is anything that proves you were thinking of them before they walked into the room.

Just so you know, I’m a total dog, and I actually teach people in my life to say to me, “Reid, I approve of you, your likes and life. I validate that you’re a good person. Good dog, Reid!” Really. No lie. And, as silly as it sounds, it makes me feel friggin’ great even when I know they’re just saying it to me because I asked. Why does it work? Because I’m such a dog!

For those of you who are dogs in relationships with dogs or cats in relationships with cats, or variations of each, the same rules apply and nearly always work. Try ‘em!

Ways you can remind yourself to be more romantic…

Because this is not necessarily how we were taught to behave when it comes to romance, here are a few tips you can use towards implementing and integrating this knowledge.

For you cats reading this: Use your computer calendar to send yourself reminders like, “Tell them what a good dog they are today.” You get to let them know that you’re thinking about them -something that occurs to you naturally- and we dogs get the scratch behind the ear that we need so badly.

So, for us dogs, for those of us who when it comes to roses and chocolate, tend to “romance in the now” and not be thinking from forethought, what we can do is rather simple…

Write “Book those dinner reservations NOW!” on a post it and stick it to your fridge, computer screen or forehead. When ever you schedule a date, immediately pick a restaurant, call ‘em up, and reserve the table. Eating in tonight? Pick a menu and order the food before your sweetie walks through the door.

Cats people do the “make the reservations immediately” kind of thing almost naturally. If they don’t do it right then, they’ll remember to do it later ’cause… Well, because cats tend to think a lot about details and stuff. If you’re a dog like I’m a dog, I think a lot in the moment about whatever it is I’m focusing on, but should a squirrel or some other distracting thought scurry by -Whosh!- I’m off chasing what’s next, often forgetting to come back to take care of the dinner reservation bit. Hence my need for reminder post-its and the advantage of making those reservations immediately! Dogs -if you make this a habit- will have scored big romance points which you get to cash in for acknowledgments and belly scratches.

Booking reservations asap has done wonders for my love life.

I’m very much a dog and it definitely doesn’t occur to me naturally to make dinner reservations. What does occur to me, though, are all the details and thoughts about what need to happen before our date… Most of these kinds of detailed thoughts occur in one blast, usually right after I make the date with my sweetie, I used to put into the “can wait till later” category. I mean, the restaurant isn’t going anywhere, right, and I’ve got other things to do. However, all that got me was grief because I would always defer to my partner on where they wanted to eat, which, since I tend to date cats, wasn’t very romantic.

What I’ve trained myself to do, instead, is to not wait when stuff does occur to me in the moment. I make a date and I make a list of to dos that occur to me right then and there, and then I check off as many of those to do boxes as I can, as soon as I can. Why? Because that basically equals forethought to a cat!

It’s genius, I tell you.

If I ask you out on a date and you say yes and I immediately book a dinner reservation, order flowers (or that power drill you’ve been talking about!), and put a reminder on my calendar for it to email me the three other things I need to handle two days before our date… Well, what occurs to me as being proactive and clever (I can get a way better table at the restaurant booking the reservation ahead of time instead of waiting till the last minute) stands a great chance of reinforcing for my date that I’m a romantic pure breed!

My partner, especially when they’re feeling all warm and fuzzy because I totally struck their romance chord, knows to acknowledge me and tell me what a good dog. That makes me feel warm and appreciated, and we’re both flooded with romantic feelings and notions…

Even though the way romance occurs to us may be completely difference, we’ve managed to get those hormones flooding our systems. Now we’re feeling closer and more connected than ever, and, suddenly, everybody wins.

Romance does make things better after all!

So, to sum up my advice:

1. Figure out if you’re a cat or a dog when it comes to romance.
2. Figure out if what your partner’s orientation to romance is.
3. When in doubt: Always make the reservation in advance AND tell them what a wonderful job they’re doing in your world.

Happy romancing!

Your neighborhood sex and relationship cupid,
REiD

© 2010 Reid Mihalko, all rights reserved