After My Failed Poly Relationship, How Do I Make Sure I Have Control And Get Respect?
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said that my first poly relationship was a flap. We connected, we had a really nice time and suddenly the couple decided they weren’t Poly and dumped me and then the boyfriend contacted me and just proposing to stop the relationship with me. And the girlfriend was all upset, they’re playing me hot and cold and it’s really draining. I want a poly relationship but I’m not really sure if I should do it with these couple and I’m afraid I might have that kind of connection with other people. How do I make sure that I have control and what happens and get respect? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: This is Caty Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com so that I understand this, this person was in relationship poly relationship with their primary and then they were dating a couple or just wanted a people in the couple?
Cathy: For what I understand there was a single person who was dating a couple.
Reid: Okay and who dumped her?
Cathy: They decided they were not going to be open anymore but then he comes back and so hey I like you let’s connect.
Reid: But he’s still with her?
Cathy: And she’s also connecting and saying don’t do this because were now monogamous.
Reid: So okay let me get this straight single poly person, dating a couple that’s poly, they decide to go monogs and now he wants to still date her even though they’re monogs. Leave not safe, right? They have an agreement to be monogamous, off limits. Alert alert! Danger Robinson. I think that’s the simple answer.
Cathy: It is, I have this happened before too or that there was weird communication between what we agreed and what was happening later in one person contacting me and the other one saying something different and it was really confusing and stressful.
Reid: For me whenever I’m dating somebody who’s in a couple I want to check in with the couple every once in a while, if they already agreed to be monogamous that’s why they broke with you then if he’s like it’s oh it’s okay for me to be poly now, talk to the others one be like is this real? Is that true? Was that person lying?
Cathy: It doesn’t even have to be lying it just we just want to all make sure were all in the same page about what was agreed upon. Let’s sit down together and have coffee or both of you separately if that’s better. But it is really confusing and frustrating when you’re out there trying to date, try to find a couple that you really like coz it can be twice as hard to find a couple that you like coz there’s two people involved. If you want to date like three.
Reid: Like 3 of them dating so it was like a triad that’s all connected to you.
Cathy: And it can be like oh I finally found this couple that I really like and then it’s all falling apart of the communication is really weird. So you if you can just be gentle with yourself and realize that this is a learning process if that was your first Poly relationship experience it make it easier you start picking out little things in communications and…
Reid: And it also, it’s possible that you did nothing wrong they were couple that being Poly and now they want to be Monogamous or one of them wants to be monogamous which means both of them are non-monogamous. I’m not saying any of these is easy this is simple to say it doesn’t mean this is easy to implement but you’re not broken if you’re dating a couple that was open or exploring openness and then they decided to go back off the market. It sucks but I don’t know that you can always predict how couples are going to be and if there’s couple that has been open for 5 years or 10 years they would date other people anyway even if you weren’t in the mix that might be better indication than this is my first Poly relationship with a couple who’s never had an open relationship before those are just different situations.
Cathy: I tend not to like not to date people I’m a single Poly, I’m not in relationship for right now I have some lovers. I tend not to date people that’s it’s their first Poly relationship. For me it’s just not a good fit.
Reid: You don’t like to be other people’s midwives?
Cathy: It tends to be a lot more of working conkiness that I’m wanting to accommodate in my life right, there’s nothing wrong either way but especially as a new person coming out. If you could someone who is more establish than they have ground rules that they all understand rather than someone who is also working out their own process. It can be easier and I’m and it is as a single person it often does feel like the other couple has more control than I don’t have much more control.
Reid: Couple privilege.
Cathy: And there is often, let’s us do a video about that next. If you can just be gentle with yourself and tune in to what you want and what is right for you. It can feel really exciting oh my good I finally found this couple I want to be with but remember to tune in to what your needs are, what your boundaries are, as well and if you’re not okay interfering with the relationship that supposed to be monogamous like Reid said set the boundaries No thank you, finds other fish there some really good ones out there for sure.
Reid: Yeah. And again simple advice not always easy and especially if you’re suffering through heartbreak or haven’t been looking for a long time and haven’t found anybody and you’re in a little bit of starvation kind of mode or scarcity mode this situation can be emotionally tough but please don’t give up. Leave a comment.